Leave the Outer Courts!

God has been talking to me a lot about forgiveness and what it truly means to accept Jesus. To accept Jesus and His life is to accept his death, his forgiveness, his resurrection and his call to us to live, dying daily, recognizing the resurrection as our hope and knowing the depth of his love and forgiveness.

This past week I was hit hardcore with guilt about things in my past. At prayer on Thursday, some of those things came to mind and I was overwhelmed with guilt. And confusion. I thought, "Why is this coming to mind? Didn't God and I already deal with this?"

God said to me, "Emily, I don't condemn you for these things."
I replied, "Yeah, I know."
He said, "No, Emily, listen... I didn't condemn you then either."

That stopped me in my tracks. First, it's offensive. How could God not condemn me at the time when I was claiming to be a leader in his name doing things that were contrary to his nature and leading others astray? How could he not condemn me for that?

I realized in that moment that I only believe that God doesn't condemn me for it now because of who I am now. Because I am no longer that person and because I am so much further from where I was. God addressed that in two ways:

1) Sure, it's not who I am now. But it wasn't WHO I was then. I am never to identify myself by my sins as though they are essential to my identity. The sins I did were lies. The fact that I believed it was my identity and that I still thought that it is who I was... Lies! Jesus knew THEN that it was not who I am and he was justifying me.

2) If that's what I believe, I believe that I am justified by myself and my good works, my progress. In such a case, it's not Jesus who justifies me but myself. That's works-based religion. That is not the message of Jesus.

That night I realized I haven't accepted God's forgiveness. But I still wouldn't. It was too good to believe and I didn't deserve it.

The next day I went on a women's retreat with folks from my school. One girl shared her testimony and talked specifically about God's forgiveness for her past and how she realized that God justified her even then, though her actions were wrong, God justified her. I thought, "Wow, that's the exact language God used when He spoke to me the night before." But I wrote it off anyways as something to think about later.

The following day at the retreat, one of the leaders spoke on Luke 7. This is the story when the sinful woman came to Jesus when he was having dinner with the Pharisees. She came and cried, anointing his feet with expensive perfume and her own tears. The Pharisees were disgusted, but Jesus said to them (my paraphrase):

Okay. Story-time. There are two guys who owed a man a debt. One owed a smidgen. One owed a whole lot. This man cancelled both of their debts. Who loved this man more?

They replied, "Well, I suppose the one who had a larger debt to begin with."

"Right-o," Jesus says, "This woman loves much because she is forgiven much."

We are only freed to love and accept God's love when we recognize the extensive forgiveness he gives to us.

The leader who spoke on this passage brought attention to the woman's tears. She said that she believed the woman wasn't crying tears of pleading or guilt or shame, but tears of thankfulness and recognition of what Jesus was offering. Likewise, the anointing of the feet was a gift of thankfulness.

That transformed my mind. I always saw this woman's entrance as her begging, pleading, and maybe even bribing Jesus to forgive her. And his acceptance of her plea and her bribe to me were indicative of how God wants us to approach him. With guilt, proving to him that we know how unworthy we are. I know that's wrong thought. I have known that for a couple years, but it's deeply entrenched in my mind.

But it wasn't until this weekend that I chose to truly accept the depth of God's forgiveness. As I prayed on it, I envisioned forgiveness as a gift that was just past arms-length away, meaning that I had to stretch and reach and experience some degree of pain to obtain it.

God corrected me, "No, Emily (he says my name a lot... I like that)... I'm telling you about this so much right now because it is so close to you and you are in a place where you can accept it if you choose." My image was amended: There was the gift of forgiveness. Three inches from my chest. So dang close. And there was me: head turned away, nose wrinkled in disgust, hands up, unwilling to accept it.

Then Jesus said, "If you focus on the gift, rather than on the space between you and the gift, you won't be able to resist accepting it."

AKA: I was focused on the distance between me and forgiveness. The reasons why I can't accept it, the very fact that there was something standing in the way of me and the gift. Jesus basically said, "No, Emily, there's nothing between you and this gift. It's empty space and it holds no power! But if you focus on the beauty and goodness of what I'm offering you, you won't be able to turn it down!"

So I prayed more and searched it out more, focusing on forgiveness. God showed me EVEN MORE (he does so much for me to teach me. His patience is incredible). Okay, for those who don't know, in Judaism (Jesus was a Jew) there's the temple. There are different "courts" that different people had access to. The very inner court, called the "Holy of Holies" was only accessible by the high priest and it held the Ark of the Covenant, which before Jesus' death was the very presence of God. There were various courts leading up to it where those who were considered in Jewish law to be "more pure" could enter.

The furthest court from the Holy of Holies was "the outer courts", or "the court of the Gentiles" (Gentiles = non-Jew/unclean).

As I prayed, God gave me this image (and I will close here - please read this not through just my eyes and what it says to me, but what God is saying is true for all those who follow Christ):

I was standing in the court of the Gentiles. There were hundreds of people there with me. Jesus walked up to me, took hold of my sleeve and gently pulled. He was leading me to cross into the next court. The wall that separated me from the next court in that had always looked so foreboding was so easy to cross. It literally took me just taking a step to cross the threshold. In that next court I looked back, uncertain. I asked Jesus, "Wait, but no one else is crossing it. Why am I able to come in further and all those people can't?" (I didn't ask because of them really, I asked because I felt like if none of them could, I must not be allowed either).

Jesus replied, "All those people are allowed in. They just don't know. But I am telling you now, you are able to come in." I was able to come in because I was willing to accept what Jesus said. That I had access. But by Jesus all could have access if they chose to accept it.

He led me in and in through all the successive courts until finally we reached the Holy of Holies. It was a small room. As I looked in, along the East wall was a bed. Jesus had made up a bed for me. He said, "This is your dwelling place."

I am to make my home in the Holy of Holies. I have always felt like I could enter into the most intimate places of God with a limited-access, temporary pass. So I enter in for a brief moment and then return to where I feel like my home is: in the outer courts. But there's no bed there. When I claim to be a Christ-follower and don't accept his forgiveness, I am living as though I am homeless, because my home is in the Holy of Holies. And God has said this is not a temporary thing for when I feel clean. If I truly accept Christ, I truly accept his forgiveness, and I truly make my home in the deepest inner courts with full intimacy with God. I can only enter by Christ. But I don't ever have to leave the Holy of Holies.

I share this because this is my journey right now. I accept forgiveness through Christ and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. I also share this to tell the masses gathered in the outer courts that they all can have access to the Holy of Holies through Christ. Don't be content to settle for the outer courts. Don't be like the Pharisees in Luke 6, accepting small amounts of forgiveness. Accept the whole of it and by Christ, make your home in the inner courts.

John 14:1-4
Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”