This blog is very different than usual. Its message (if one can dig through to find one) is not easily applicable, it is founded on generalizations which have often but not always been true in my life. It is simply a personal rant designed to help me process things and to help me not feel alone in experiencing what I'm experiencing. I do not claim that what is contained here is true always or that it should limit anyone in any way. I'm not even writing this to cause males to question how they interact with women.
If nothing else, I hope this entry, if any of you have accidentally stumbled into this hot mess, will allow you to step into another's shoes. My shoes. I know I am speaking very one-sidedly and entirely from my own experiences. I hope you can have grace with me and recognize that this is coming from a place of pain for me.
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There was an incident the other day that infuriated me on a deep level. Seriously. My immediate prayer thereafter was *not* pretty. The incident itself will remain vague because it's not unique. If it was unique it might warrant explanation. But this incident is one of many just like it. In fact, this incident was milder than many/most others. This time, though, the implications bothered me more than ever before.
This post is not about a woman's place in the church. I have plenty to say on that, but I'll spare you. For now. It bothers me that women aren't allowed a place in the church a lot of times, but I am far more bothered that a woman's place in the world as a Christ-follower is at stake.
The overall dynamic that I commonly experience, and what I believe it means, follows.
The Dynamic
I belief in embodying a missional life. This means that I believe in loving people fully. It means engaging the world around me - followers of Jesus and not. It means not withholding who I am because who I am is a beautiful part of God's mission for the world at this time. It means interacting to cross barriers - barriers of race, religion, gender, politics, language, culture, etc. It means being fully present and acknowledging the full presence of the Other (who is distinct from me, yet in some weird way is like me).
Being a female in a cross-gender context like this is disastrous. Not always. But in my experience, often. Often the case is that after a moment of genuine connection/engagement is experienced, the language changes. The dynamic shifts. When this happens, my ability to do ministry (and by "do ministry", I literally and simply mean "engaging in a genuine/honest/authentic way with another") is undercut. The power shifts from a balance of two people interacting to one person usurping that power to change the dynamic.
To be less vague: I am talking about a shift to the romantic or lustful sort of thing. And "romantic" is putting a sweet spin on it. I get romantic attraction and there is nothing wrong with it. Lust to me has been wrongly defined often. I think lust is simply desiring something in a way that counteracts the good that is, was, or could have been in something. I think lust is a word of power or a claim to power. Or its a power that seizes and controls you. Something to that effect. Romantic attraction, done right, doesn't take power to lay claim to another person. THAT is the sort of dynamic I am referring to.
My Defense
Before I go into why it bother me so much, I need to set the record straight because inevitably people will want to harp on the whole "pearls to the swine" idea or the "guarding your heart" verse or the general concept of wisdom in a ministry/relational context, especially a multi-gender context. I'm not going to break down each one, though I could certainly try to do so.
All I will say on this is that the types of interactions I am describing are NOT ones in which I am being unwise. They are not ones in which I am being in any way flirtatious. They are not ones in which I am doing anything that any male would ever be accused of exercising poor judgment in. Which leads me to...
Why I Am Irate About This
1) The double standard
Because I am a female, I am aware of the double-standard in culture that is in place. It's in place everywhere you look. In the workplace, in physical/sexual relationships, in the porn industry, in the church, in the home, etc. It's a mess.
A man would never be accused of exercising poor judgement in the situations that I'm describing, whereas, because I am a female I have been accused of that or at the very least expect to be.
2) The one-sided power shift
I do not believe that in most situations a woman can usurp power from a man the way a man can from a woman. At least in the situations I am describing. In conversation. In relationship. The feelings that those dynamics evoke in me, because I am a female, are not simply annoyance or frustration. The feelings are those of fear (at worst) and belittlement (at best).
Even when women take a lustful interest in a man that subverts his ability to relate in authentic communion/community with her, the woman still does not assert power over him the same way he could over her. It still demeans the fullness of who he is, but it does not render him unable to speak or interact with her the same way it does for a woman. And please hear me on this: It is just as wrong for a woman to relate in that way to a man as vice versa. I'm just saying that gender dynamics cause the effect in that dynamic to be different for women than for men.
3) The result this seems to have for me
Taking these things into account, it feels there are a few inevitable results.
1. I can expect to never be able to relate in an authentic way with a male without it being counteracted.
2. I can expect that because I have a gender which I didn't choose, that by nature of the twisted dynamics that often happen, my ability to impact the Kingdom of God will be limited - not because I am not stepping out on faith, but because when I do, another person has the ability to immediately quash its intent.
3. I can expect that because I am a woman, the most effective place of ministry I will have is a place where my being female doesn't matter (which mostly means roles where I am quiet and not interacting openly with males).
4. Therefore, the only places where my gender doesn't matter are places where my gender's stereotypes are strengthened and where I will never be able to be fully authentic.
Okay. I'm done. No neat wrap-up. I'm not actually all that cynical. I am just incredibly frustrated that this is what I have encountered again and again. Though I think those results I described can be encountered and can be contextually true, I do not believe they are True in the sense of the ultimate ethic of the Kingdom of God.
No. I will not sit back. I will not take the place that people occasionally try to put me in. I will not guard myself the way so many seem to think I should. In doing so, I am guarding the message that I believe to be True from those who desperately need to see it. I will live into what I believe is possible. I have relationships with males where the dynamic is right and good. I know it is possible.
I am just tired of questioning my place in the world as a woman who follows Jesus when so many men, that have never experienced this dynamic in the ways that I regularly have, have been the cause of it so much in my life.
It scares me that because of something I didn't choose, I will never be able to relate the way I feel created and called to relate to people in this world.
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