The Capacity to Hate.

I have been working at a non-profit with teens and kids for the past couple months. I was glad to once again be a part of something that was bigger than me, but did not anticipate to feel swallowed completely by it. There's a lot going on there, and due to confidentiality, I will refrain from giving identifying details, but lately my work has been exhausting and confusing and incredibly painful (both literally and figuratively).

To date, I have been hit on the cheek with a highlighter (hard enough to make me cry out in pain), in the forehead with a large Lego block, and in the back of the head with a book. Only one of those was unintentional.

A young child I have worked with confuses the mess out of me. He is horrible to work with. I have never felt so degraded and belittled in all my life (at least not in my immediate memory). He's discovered that we can't actually physically force him to behave and he uses that to his advantage. I doubt if he knows the meaning and implications of the things he says and does to me, but the words he uses and the physical nature of his disdain hurts me deeply.

This kid has discovered that the best way to show contempt and an utter rebellion to what we say is to spit on people. I have been spit on by him more times than I can count. I have been given the middle finger, been told to "shut the fuck up", been told to shut my "bitch ass" up, been called a "bitch" and a "fucker", been hit, been spit on, been hit by objects thrown (quite intentionally) at my face. And all of it actually hurts me. If you are offended by the language (and by the lack of warning in my using such language), good. You come moderately close to experiencing the offense I have felt. Except none of it was used against you. By a child. By the one you are trying to protect, that ends up assaulting and diminishing you in almost every way a child possibly could.

There are moments, fleeting moments, when I am reminded he is a child. He tells me his favorite colors are pink and purple, and he doesn't understand why the other boys laugh at him. He's told me "I love you" (which confused the crap out of me). He's given me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. He's burst into song, singing the Barney theme song. He's a child. A young child at that.

An older child recently told me to "die and go to ____" (and yes, he left it blank too, for fear of getting in trouble). He said it while smiling, but he wasn't really joking either. It confuses me.

I know that some kids echo what they have experienced in their own lives. In fact, all do that, to some degree or another. What they mean by what they do and what I take from what they do are different. But I started thinking today... At what age does a person develop the capacity to hate?

I don't believe a baby has the capacity to love or hate. At the risk of sounding callous, I think babies are primarily biological beings. They cry for what they need. They smile and calm down at their mother's voice, not because of some emotional connection, but because of the biological environment that led them to become most accustomed to their mother's voice during pregnancy, thus making them feel more at ease. Pure biology. No more could they hate than they could possibly love.

I started wondering which develops first: love or hate. I started wondering whether this had been studied. I'm sure it's been attempted, but what could possibly be the operational definition of hatred? What quantifiable measure could encapsulate and reflect the internal hatred? What even is hatred? Is it wishing ill upon another? Is it treating them with cruelty? Is it acting upon an impulse to cause them pain? Is it wishing them dead? Could it be one of those things without being all of them or is it something less than hate if not all of those things are present? Is hatred possible without putting oneself in another's shoes to consider how they will experience the words/actions?

What about how it develops? Does love or hate develop first? Does it depend on environment? Most children raised by abusive parents still love their parents. What does that mean? Does it mean love is more natural than hate? Is there any evolutionary benefit to the emotion of hatred? Is hatred an emotion or an action?

I am deeply confused and troubled by the capacity to hate. I think all people eventually develop the capacity to hate. What causes some to develop a greater degree of hatred than another?

If you could choose for your child NEVER to be ABLE to develop the capacity for hatred, would you choose that? Or would you think it would make them less than human? Or more than human? Which would it be and would it be worth it to you?

Anyway, the stuff with my job was a springboard to these questions. I have no resolution, but I wanted to invite you into my life and into my mind today because it was weighing on me heavily. What's scary to me is how much this job reminds me of my own capacity to hate or at the very least to be filled with anger, to be so wrought with an onset of anger that my blood runs cold. To drive home so worked up that I have to turn on the heat so that I don't feel cold inside even though my body is physically sweating.

These questions are relevant. With the recent shootings and with the recollection of past shootings, this is relevant. With our ability to argue about gun control laws when children have been killed, this is relevant. With my ability to literally forget that a child is just a child, this is relevant. With children who are taught to act hatefully, this is relevant.

I'm inviting others with me to choose to act against cynicism in this. I'm inviting others to encourage me not to grow bitter and not to be filled with despair.

There is a Kingdom that stands as a light shining in the darkness. There is a Lord who stands as light in our darkness. There is a Jesus who, though at once he looked like an extinguished candle, rose again, proving that light rises again. There is a Church that is called to bear witness to that light and to be light in darkness, knowing that we too may face extinguishment, but to live in the faith that light prevails.