Learning Love through [Inter?]Dependence.

One rap song I used to love in high school was the song "Independent" by Lil' Boosie and Lil' Phat. Like a number of songs that came out while I was in high school, it decided to make spelling an active part of the song by spelling out the word independent in the lyrics.

I liked it because it was a song that was all about women being independent and that being an attractive quality. One of the qualities I hold dear to me is independence. It makes me anxious because I truly believe that interdependence is the ideal in the Kingdom of God. But I sure like my independence. I'm beginning to learn that independence is a quality that I can embrace, so long as I don't use it at the exclusion of the Kingdom. One of my dearest friends told me point-blank that I was probably the most independent person he knew. He clarified that it wasn't in a bad way, but that it was true in his experience and that he meant it.

I'm beginning to realize that the theme in my life right now, the theme that has been building up but has come to an ultimate head in the past few weeks, is the theme of dependence or interdependence. Moreso, learning how to be trusting enough to rely on interdependence in times of need, where the balance of give and take is not equal (is it ever?).

Looking at where I am now and how I've gotten here, I realized that it has been the result of others lifting me up. Every single aspect of my present life. Living situation, job, support in my job, the car I am driving, etc.

The most recent thing that has revealed this to me is all that has resulted from a mishap with my car. Long story short, my car stopped working properly while I was a good two hours from home on a mini-road trip.Someone close made all the arrangements so that I would be taken care of immediately. Then I was at the mercy of the two-truck driver named Tony. He had just finished his work for the day when he received the call about me. He happened to be in the area and knew that no one would be willing to take me 1.5 - 2 hours back to where I was trying to go.

Not only did he agree to take me, but at some point he asked me if he could stop at a gas station to buy a drink. I replied, "For sure. I'm actually going to get something too if we stop." When I picked up a Vitamin Water and set it on the counter to pay, he put his stuff on the counter too, looked at me and said, "I got it."

Since my car has been in the shop, I have had to rely on folks for rides constantly. I am currently driving a car that a friend lent me for the time-being. Friends have offered me a place to stay, recommended me for jobs (a few have even hired me for various odd jobs), supported me at my jobs, shared their event tickets, cooked for me, hosted me, paid for me, provided me with transportation, lent me clothes that were needed for specific occasions, and have walked with me where I am.

I began truly learning interdependence in Mission Year. I learned it in a different way in college. But now, in the stage of life I am in and in the place I am in... This is the first time that I have felt like I have nothing to give back. I may provide laughter and smiles and company at times. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have been given more than I am currently capable of giving any of them.

This has always been a difficult position for me. But rather than convincing myself that I am leeching off of people and that if  were a better person I'd be more independent and doing more for them, I am accepting this as my life right now. I know that I am being shown love and mercy and that the appropriate response is love and gratitude, not guilt and stress. My time to give more will come, but for now I'm on the receiving end of an outpouring of love. And all of these people have made it easier than I could have imagined to simply accept it.

They have helped me to understand Jesus a little better. They have helped me to be more accepting of His love. I can accept it regardless of my worthiness, regardless of my efforts, regardless of all of it. Why on earth would I bathe in guilt and stress, self-demeaning thoughts and hopelessness, when I could simply accept what I am being given and find even greater hope and joy in that?

Thank you. Thank you family. Thank you friends. Thank you all. I thank God for you and I thank God for his love for me and you have expressed his love to me so clearly.