Sunday, May 12, 2013

Silencing my Ideal Self.

I have a little problem. It's called "I want to be perfect so as to never let anyone down". If I'm by myself doing my own thing, or just hanging out with people for fun, I have no problem. But I've learned recently that if the relationship shifts to where there is a task involved, or where expectations come into play, or anything of that nature, I become frantic, obsessing about how to be perfect. If I am at any point less than what the Other hopes for or expects of me, I feel so small.

So as a background to the outflow of this blog, here's what you need to know. I have a friend from church that I have been a part of the worship team with and who I now work with (kinda *for*) at a full-time job.

The other day at work, I came into his office, frantic about something work-related, frustrated and embarrassed/disappointed that I didn't know the answer and irritated that I had to ask (and that he would know I didn't already know whatever it was I was asking about). I must have had a deer-in-the-headlights look, because before I can get the question out, he stops me and says, "On a scale of 1-10, how scary am I?"

I chuckled and said, "Uhh, I don't know, like a 1 or something." He looks at me, conveying that the answer I gave did not coincide with my reaction when I walked up to him. He asks if I'm intimidated by him. I stammered, "No, yes, well... I'm intimidated by everyone, I don't know." And I moved on to ask my question. I kinda brushed aside his question because I didn't know what to do with it or what to do with the inconsistency of what I believed versus my own reaction.

But it reeled in my mind for the next few days. On a scale of 1-10, he is about a 1. Not scary, very affirming, slow to anger, quick to laugh. At most, maybe a 2. But I realized I don't feel that way at work. When the relationship shifts, when there are expectations, when there is a framework for me possibly (and at times almost certainly) being a disappointment, he's at about an 8. It has nothing to do with his person or his character. He's consistent. But my perception changes as a factor of that shift of situation.

It hit me that God could easily pose the same question, and man, my answer would be just as confusing. As a Being, as one I pray to and sing to, as one who watches over me and protects me, God is at about a 1. When I realize he has these ideas of where I will be, where I could be, he's at a 10.

Hope becomes a fearful thing for me because if someone has hopes for me beyond where I am in the moment, I see only how I am a disappointment. I am fearful of confirming negative beliefs they may have about me. I'm terrified that they have hopes, and I'm terrified they might decide that I can't live up to their hopes.

I was thinking about it, and I realized that I'm not used to people have expectations for me that exceed my own. Who expected me to make straight A's in both high school and college? No one but me.

For a while, I thought that was it. "I must get freaked out when others have expectations that exceed mine." But that didn't make sense either. One lesson that I learned a few years ago is that I have this "ideal Emily" I've made up in my head. I don't compare myself to other people much. But I compare myself to her constantly. And I assume everyone else is doing the same. When I let myself down and am not living up to "ideal Emily", I expect that the disappointment I feel must be what others experience too.

I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, people who have hopes of where I will be aren't comparing me to her as though she were an actual being. Maybe, just maybe, their "ideal Emily" if they had one, looked a lot more like me than my own "ideal Emily" does. Maybe they are looking at my successes and not counting my faults against me. Maybe the places where I am not quite "there yet" are not adding up as reasons to lose faith in me, but are only reasons to have greater hope for me.

I have a tendency to get defensive when others see me fail or fall short. I feel like I need to justify why I did what I did so that they know I'm not just stupid or ignorant. I never assume that people already know I'm capable of better. Or if they do, I think they assume that I don't know I'm capable of better. Either I feel I have to prove that I am capable or I have to prove that I have a self-esteem that can absorb the impact of failure (which turns out only to be true when no one but me is involved).

At church, my preacher (also a friend) has said a few things the past few weeks that struck me, and I didn't realize until that question was posed to me earlier this week, WHY it stood out to me so much. One thing is his interpretation of the story of Job. In his view, when God speaks to Job, he starts speaking, seemingly asking Job, "Who do you think you are?!" But by the end of his lengthy monologue, God flips the question on it's head saying, "Wait... Who do you think I am?" Job assumes God doesn't see or care about him, but God counts down the days till baby goats are born.

Or, "On a scale of 1-10, how scary am I?" Or "Do you really think I don't care for and see you?" This is JOB. The man who was so righteous that God put so much faith into, who finally caved. What a major letdown! But God turns the expected response on its head and shows Job what the real question is, and the real question is based in the nature of the relationship.

Another thing that came up in a sermon today is that we don't have to "trick God into loving us". I never would have worded it that way, but I realized that that's exactly what I do when I become defensive. Or what I try to do. I try to prove or explain why my lack of perfection shouldn't influence his love for me and that it shouldn't really be held against me. Another thing that strikes me is something that comes up in the sermons a lot. When Jesus is dying on the cross, he looks down at those who have just put him there, who are gambling over his underwear, and says to God, "Forgive them. They don't know what they're doing." He doesn't only forgive them, but he provides the excuse. It would never occur to me that anyone, God or others would do that for me. I don't want to be one that needs them to.

I am so grateful that I am in situation at work and in the band that pushes me to need to trust that others' love for me or faith in me is not dependent on me not falling short. I don't know how to believe it yet, and I am still so defensive. Even that doesn't impact how my friends have related with me. Even challenging my false perceptions is done in love, in a non-threatening way.

I have just begun practicing guitar with another friend of mine, and it is yet another context where this thought-process I have is challenged. I'm facing it daily now, between work, church, band practice, and guitar practice. My hope and prayer is that I can grow in my understanding of how God loves me through these friends who are challenging my paradigm. And that their relationships with me will help me better to see and relate to God in healthier ways, and that my relationship with God will help me to better see and relate to others in healthier ways. In a community of Christ-followers, I think that's how transformation happens. I am so grateful for all of those who are so patient with me as I learn to walk in this freedom, and I am thankful to God that he has provided me with people that can demonstrate his own love for me in a way that is concrete and present.

Also, quick sidenote - don't know where I could fit this in with the blog, I realized that the perception I have of relationships shift when:
1. People have expectations of/hopes for me.
2. When the relationship is secondary to the task.

I dealt with point 1 in the earlier part of the blog. Point 2 is a little trickier. I don't know how to work that out with humans, but it reminds me that with God, the relationship is the primary foundation which empowers the task. They work together, but the relationship is the springboard. I think ideally it should be with people too. At least for people of God who are united in spirit and purpose. I haven't lived into that reality with God or with people fully, but I aim to walk more into that each day.

2 comments:

  1. That's so true! Its so easy to think you can and have to live up to your 110% best all the time in any and every situation, especially when it doesn't really matter. Instead, if you work to honor God and not your self-image, it changes things. You are aiming to love to Lord and not meeting some expectation. It is impossible to live up to your perfect image, so take comfort that God has adopted you and loves you no matter how you perform!

    As for the 2nd, I am very task oriented and tend to view relationships that way, even though it can be unhealthy... I'm not sure how to deal with that except for taking a different, more etenal perspective on things

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    1. Agreed. It is so interesting and weird to recognize that you can trust that nothing separates us from God's love - even our own faults.

      And yeah, I think the task-oriented thing is so inherent to our culture. We talked about it in Intercultural Communications. This "being vs. doing" idea. I want to learn to operate from a "being" mindset more. I think it's more Biblical. But it's so counter to the culture you and I are in.

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