Decisions and Doors.

Decision-making has always been incredibly stressful to me, at least so far as memory serves. I'm sure I made decisions in my childhood, but I don't recall making any decisions that were branded as "life altering" until I was in high school. That said, at that age, many decisions felt life-altering.

I remember in particular picking my classes for my Sophomore year of high school. It was my first time actually picking classes. I don't know if that's typical or not, I was homeschooled from 1st grade on, but for me it was a big deal. Somehow I had gotten it in my head that if I didn't take honors classes that I would never get into college and that if I didn't get into college, I would never get a stable job. I don't know if I had a concept of a stable job or if I have one now. From what I understand it is common for individuals to change careers an average of 7 times in their working life. Of course, guidance counselors never emphasized that statistic.

I recently reread my journal from that time and what I found both amused and disturbed me. I had written something to this effect: I am terrified I am going to choose the wrong classes and ruin my life.

Ironically I chose the "wrong" classes in my Junior year and ended up having to drop two AP classes for which no Honors classes were available, meaning I was in the "regular" classes I feared would ruin me. And they didn't.

Consistently I am met by choice after choice, decision after decision. When I graduated high school I had three paths laid before me: an academically rigorous college on a full-ride scholarship in-state, a really good school in my favorite state near family, or delaying school to do a volunteer program called Mission Year (www.missionyear.org - accepting applications till July 15!). I chose Mission Year - and yes, my life was significantly altered, though I trust it is for the better.

I chose to stay in Chicago. I applied to an academically rigorous school and was even accepted into the honors program. I also applied to North Park University. I chose North Park, and my life was changed in ways I never would have imagined.

I've discovered that the metaphor of Doors absolutely terrifies me. I'm cool with God closing doors. If God would swoop in every time and be like, "Oh, Emily, let me get that for you. It's not the way." Maybe at some point I might resent it. But I have no way of knowing because God has never worked that way in my life, not yet, not that I've noticed anyway.

I don't close doors well. I like to leave them ajar. I like to have access permanently granted. I also struggle intensely when multiple doors are open, even moreso if it necessitates that I close all the other doors.

There's such a pressure present with choosing that brings back that insane and pathetically amusing high school fear, "What if I make the wrong choice and ruin my life?"

I have tried philosophizing it, thinking, "Well, maybe in each person's life there are some things that are inevitable if you follow a positive trajectory. If I was supposed to start some amazing social service or ministry or become an artist or writer, it would inevitably happen if I live on a positive trajectory - it would just be a matter of timing."

I have also imagined that maybe each choice really does branch out into multiple possible worlds that lead entirely different places: different "callings", different spouses, different children, different convictions of faith and how it is lived out.

In the end, I don't know. And it drives me crazy. It can be paralyzing sometimes to be faced with multiple decisions. It can be paralyzing to know that moving on sometimes means permanently turning back from something you were holding out for. 

To some extent we live in a world that our decisions create. I no longer think that God dictates what he wants us to do in each situation. In my childhood I was convinced that God had this "best world" that was only possible through me listening to him and doing everything he told me to do. Even choosing my outfit each day seemed to have eternal ramifications.

Guess what? God's not a dictator. The Creator God who made us in his image desires to see us create, explore, imagine. If what we do contributes to the Kingdom, God will be pleased. Is there a best possible world? I don't know. But I trust that God prefers me to rejoice in my freedom to bless him and bless others by moving forward rather than to stagnate.

In the past 12 months I moved to a brand new state (well, the state itself isn't new), became part of a church that I moved here more or less to be a part of, joined the praise team/worship band at the church, started a job that ended very painfully, started another job and discovered a latent passion for art, quit that job, started another job that unexpectedly has been just what I needed for this particular stage in my life, made great friendships, and have begun to figure out plans for the upcoming year.

This year has been a struggle in many senses, particularly relating to identity. Who I am is not what I do, but what I do is an outpouring of who I am. Whether that expression result from a job or a hobby or a service. Each decision leads me closer to discovering myself, expression myself, and hopefully falling more in line with how God created me to be.

At times I have felt paralyzed, but this year I can see that I put myself out there time and time again, despite the uncertainty. I was willing to try something and willing to accept that like my Junior year, at times I will make the wrong decisions. But even those guide me forward and onward.

It can be a painful journey, but I am learning to have less fear. I hope and pray that I am learning to trust God more, no longer needing to rely on philosophization of how decisions and doors work. Maybe God doesn't close doors for me because he wants me to learn freedom. And that is a lesson worth learning and living into. I can walk through doors for that. I might even be able to close some. :)