The good news: I'm an INFJ (Meyers-Briggs) with the mind and heart of an artist. I am deeply inspired multiple times a day. I am riveted by an idea until I develop an extravagant plan to see it through to its "completion", which is also defined by me in a state of exuberant bliss.
The bad news: When the inspiration passes, the dream melts like cotton candy at an amusement park in the rain. The rides shut down. The candy dissolves. And I awaken.
My confession: I live out multiple exciting lives in my head on a near-daily basis, and every one of those lives is more exciting than the life I lead.
Just a few months ago, 2015 was going to be the year that I became certified as a doula. I bought a book, I compiled the information in strategic deadlines for how to achieve it, I learned what I would need to learn, and I even found a group of doulas that meet locally. It was going to be perfect. I am fascinated by pregnancy (though actual babies once they're born kinda scare me). I'm a feminist and I love supporting women. I like to be a part of people's journeys and I like to affirm people and remind them that they are okay. Having a history of panic attacks and knowing how to bring myself down, I thought I could be a pretty good birthing coach.
But the inspiration passed. And yet the folder of everything I needed to know sits on my computer's desktop, nagging me about another thing I didn't follow through on. And maybe, just maybe, it would be a great fit.
Also a few months ago, I developed a mixed media piece that turned out quite a strong response from friends and even "friends" on facebook with whom I have no substantial interaction. The inspiration quadrupled. I made another, more experimental piece, which elicited a similar response, if not a greater one. I decided that I would have an art exhibit featuring pieces of work developed from this theme. It seemed as though it would be well-received. I sent emails to colleges and libraries to try to gauge interest. I linked them to a blog describing my vision, including images of my art.
No response. I haven't given up on it. I have a third installment in progress that is currently sitting in my workstation. But the urgency is gone. I will return to it. And I hope to make this come about. But for now, it's another halted project on the back burner.
Two years ago, I came up with a board game idea. I based it off the experimental, educational, sociological board game Train. Please read about it. It'll blow your mind. Using it as my inspiration, I developed a game which has fully playable rules. I played it several times myself. I'm amazed I came up with it! It's a strategy game akin to Settlers of Catan and/or Puerto Rico. It also has a "lesson", like the game Train. I found a website that produces boardgames designed by regular ol' people. I could even sell it through them. I was pumped...until I saw the amount of technical digital design knowledge you need to have. I sat on it for two years and only just now began to work on it again. Progress has been great. Until I tried to scan images into the computer. I realized I don't have the appropriate scanner to upload an image at the "dots per pixel" level required, which I only understand on a basic level.
Getting a better scanner or having it scanned by someplace else is going to be a major undertaking, and probably a financial burden. It's also something I intend to finish. But I don't even grasp how to accomplish it - what steps to take, what would be the best financial way to go, what finances would even be involved. I don't even know what options are available.
New things like this crop up almost daily. I was going to develop of user-friendly Training Manual for my position at work. I was going to publish a book with an illustrated poem (that I wrote and was going to illustrate). I was going to write 10 songs and make an EP, for no reason other than to simply amuse myself. I was going to learn violin. I was going to get back into learning Spanish. I was going to go to grad school. I was going to get a second job. I was going to sell artsy woodburnings. I am still planning to open an Etsy shop.
Why? I am restless. I am endlessly inspired and frustrated. I am capable of finishing any of these goals if I "put my mind to it", but honestly, it comes down to this.
I no longer care once the inspiration passes. Or... More accurately, I still care, but inevitably a deeper and more readily-available inspiration for a new project is in hand and I don't want to squander it, so I jump on that. Then another before that's finished. And another. And another. And suddenly I'm surrounded by unfinished projects, but still empowered by this mysterious inspiration. I return to old projects in fits and starts as the inspiration hits again.
It also comes down to me not knowing what I want. That feeling follows me everywhere I go. My facebook profile says it accurately. I feel like I am not living if I am not learning, experiencing, or creating something new. The sudden stability in my life at 25 has felt more stifling than empowering. The values are inconsistent. I am terrified to slow down or to let inspiration pass without acting on it, because that, to me, feels like death. Yet, every project that is unfinished nags at me, reminding me that none of my dreams are being accomplished.
At every bend, I'm on the verge of incredible inspiration or a complete emotional breakdown. I'm feelin' for my ol' half-deaf buddy Van Gogh. Haha. Seriously though, I don't know what is the hard part: being 25, having my personality type, or just being me.
I am so grateful for the inspiration, and I prefer the crazy to not having any inspiration at all. But it wears on me to feel constantly at odds both in my surroundings and within my own self.
There's no real "purpose" to this blog. I just felt like being open about this experience. Maybe some of you relate. Maybe we are many. Or maybe we're a whacked out few - which, in that case, means we need to band together. Or maybe get the hell away from each other and try to figure out normalcy. Haha. But this is my journey right now. This is the beast I'm facing in 2015.
I don't have a goal to conquer it. Maybe just to tame it. Or to let it be wild, while getting to know it better. I don't know. I hope it levels out. I hope above all, that I try to know myself better and learn to appreciate all of this more. Maybe, just maybe, if I found the beauty in it rather than subscribing to the fear that maybe I am a lil crazy, maybe I'll never accomplish anything worth accomplishing, maybe I should just settle down into a "normal" life... I'll be ok. I'll make it. And I'll do just fine. :)
Maybe, just maybe, we got this, and we are better for the struggle.
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